Posted by: Steven Harris | December 28, 2012

My own oddly inappropriate hacks…

Everybody is all excited about these great hacks over at Gizmodo. So many uses for empty deodorant containers and toiletpaper rolls. That got my inventive juices flowing. So, I came up with my own creative uses for everyday products. Hope you find these useful:

  • You’re very cool but your pants are in danger of falling down. No prob. Fold over about a two-foot length of duct tape (depending on how big your ass is), sticky side out, tape down the end and insert a couple small loops of tape inside to make it one big length of double-stick duct tape. Tape it on your ass and then put on your droopy pants. Press your pants’ waistband to the exposed side of wonder-tape. You are cool and the pants stay up.
  • Fellas, while we’re at it, duct tape makes a great girdle for your saggy belly. A few (tight) wraps around that bowl full of jelly will make the ladies think you have rock-hard abs. Well, unless you actually manage to lure one to your lair.
  • In a pinch, toothpaste makes a wonderful hair styling gel. Plus you’ll be minty-fresh all day.
  • You know you’ve done it. Sometimes you fill the toilet with a monstrous poo that just will NOT flush. No worries. Keep a nice long-handled spatula handy (right by the toilet plunger) to cut up that poo into flush-sized chunks. Voila!
  • Use that wonderful toilet plunger to make great faux-finish wall paint effects. Dip the rubbery end in different paint from your background color. Press to the wall to make a perfect circle. Repeat to create whatever pattern you like. Use different sizes, different colors. Your friends will marvel at the soap bubble effect.
  • You’re toasting bagels for the whole family, but it’s such a hassle to carry them all to the dining room. Use a toilet plunger right there on the kitchen counter to stack up your family feast of bagels as they pop from the toaster. Deliver them to the waiting horde like a domestic d’Artagnan.
  • Carry a piece of fake dog poo to drop on the floor in the elevator in the event that you fart and then somebody else gets on. Look down, gesture, and say, “Ewww! Gross!”
  • Find that you just HAVE to dress up your dog? Buy some boys pants at Walmart and put them on Fido backward, using the fly opening to accommodate the tail.
  • And about your furry friends…what to do with all that dog hair you brush off of them? Save it in a pair of pantyhose. After a few months, you have the legs stuffed with hair and now you have the warmest scarf imaginable. Wrap around your neck on those icy winter days.
  • We all want to save the planet by carrying our own bags to the grocery store. Pantyhose also make a great shopping bag. (What a wonder product!) The stretch accommodates large or small shopping trips. Good for keeping purchases separate that you don’t want rubbing up against each other. You in your leg, me in mine.
  • Ladies… want to achieve that sexy, bra-less look, but need a little more support? Just use a pair of scissors to snip out the nipples of your bra and slip on that sexy summer dress for an alluring (but supported) look. If you find that it proves effective in the boudoir as well, so much the better.
  • A plastic garbage bag makes a great adult diaper. Why pay tons for those store-bought versions? Poke two holes in the lower corners (not too big). Squeeze your legs through. Seal the legs and waistband with duct tape. Of course.
  • Missing that hot, gooey, sticky sex in your relationship? Keep a squeeze bottle of honey on the nightstand. A quick and generous application to you and your partner and you’ll be glued to each other like horny teenagers.
  • This one is for the teenagers. You’ve got to start early in convincing your parents that you LOVE Lifesavers candy. Get your parents to keep you endlessly supplied with Lifesavers. Buy a big, glass jar (apothecary kind of thing), fill it with individually wrapped Lifesavers, hide your condoms in there amongst the candy. See! You thought I wasn’t going anywhere with that.
  • Tear the covers off of paperback books and glue them to the wall for beautiful do-it-yourself decorating. Spray-on glue works great (unless you have those crappy textured walls). You’ll have the smartest walls in the neighborhood.
  • Keep the coverless books themselves handy to tear pages from for packing material. Tear off a few pages and wad them up. Uncle Bill will love the gift you mailed with the extra bonus of crinkled up pages from Moby-Dick. Call me brilliant.
  • Trouble finding the car in those Connecticut-sized parking lots? Always carry a helium balloon on a string. Tie it to your car antenna. There’s your car right there! You can keep a bag of balloons, roll of butchers string, and a tank of helium in the trunk. Never be without.
  • An iPad makes a great salad plate or individual serving tray. Can you say, “breakfast in bed”? Cleanup is a snap too.
  • Use an axe (or alternatively a sledge hammer) to open that annoying plastic packaging.
  • Those Christmas gifts you didn’t like make great targets when you’re practicing your marksmanship at the shooting range.
  • In public, ALWAYS wear latex (or vinyl if you’re inclined) gloves, in case you have to shake someone’s hand.
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